Being "The Fat One"

My size and weight have been a topic I have struggled with for years. I don't remember the last time I felt comfortable in my own body but over the last few years, I've started to get closer to loving my body. As most of you know, last year was my year of loving my skin. I went through my roaccutane journey and since then, I've fallen in love with my skin and I feel confident with it. So many people have noticed a huge difference in my presence and happiness. It's not nice to feel gross to look at 24/7 and even more so, from a non-cosmetics perspective, it hurt. I was in so much pain with cystic acne that some nights, I couldn't sleep. Now that one problem is solved, I'm focussing on my body. 

For as long as I can remember, I have been bigger than the majority of my friends. At a Size 12, I'm not huge...in fact I'm perfectly average for a UK woman, but for my age group, that's BIG. I feel upset when I go clothes shopping and constantly feel embarrassed by body. The sad thing is, at any other person, I wouldn't blink at her body, being a size 12, and I defintely wouldn't consider her to be fat. Having said that, being "fat" is not fundamentally bad thing and the stigma around the word, needs to be broken. 

My family and friends obviously love me for who I am and not what I am, but that doesn't stop the comments: chubby, curvy etc. In fact, one person on my brief Tinder experience said "You appear quite curvy in your pictures, are you?" and I was at a complete loss and in shock. Maybe he didn't mean it as a negative criticism but that's how I took it. Even though I know the former, I sometimes feel awkward eating in front of people and find myself hiding snacks or nibbling at my plate rather than stuffing my face. 

Over the past month or so, I have been incredibly unhappy in my situation and eating even more crap than usual, which of course, hasn't helped. With my new announcement, I want to be positive going forward. I am going to start cooking again and I cannot wait. Healthy eating and getting back into exercise with home workouts are on the agenda, but more importantly, I want to start accepting myself for who I am. It's so much easier said than done and I know I've said this so many times before but I really want to try. Not only for me, but for my relationship with others as well. 

I've talked about body positivity on the blog before but I really needed the reminder this week. Louise Pentland shared about it in her show a few years ago and talked about how it translated to the younger generation. I never want to show to my children or nieces that part of my insecurity. Similarly, Bonnie Hoellein embraced her tummy rolls to enjoy the beach without covering up. After seeing her posting and enjoying that holiday, it began my own confidence journey. It's been a long and slow journey but it's gradually getting there for me.