It's Been a While, Finding Closure

It has been such a long time since I sat down to write a post. In fact, bar a one-off post for a "weekly" which turned out to be monthly vlog, I haven't written a post since February when I wrote quite a few all at once. It's been a while and the longest I've gone without writing in over 10 years! 

In all honesty, I have felt zero motivation to sit down and write and all of a sudden I felt like today was the day. I have always loved sharing my thoughts and writing my life down on paper. I find it reflective to get words out and also love sharing things that I've enjoyed and liked along the way. Sadly, with events in life taking it's toll once again, I lost that motivation and passion. Whilst I still don't think it's back back, it's much better than it has been and I think writing again will help with that. 

April 5th 2024 marked a day that I thought I would be getting married. 3 years ago, I had no doubt in my mind I would end the day as a wife, if not before. I have written countless handwritten letters over last two years, the majority of which no one saw. I finally decided to write it all out in one giant letter. I put my heart and soul into the writing, asking all the questions I've wanted to ask and all the messages I wanted to give. I wrote my love story from start to finish and it reminded me of the happier times in life, not just the heart-breaking ones. Most importantly, I apologised. 

I felt that even if no one else ever saw the letter I had finally forgiven myself for the pain I had put both of us through and whilst I wished things were different, I found a sense of calm in knowing I can't change another person's opinion of me, regardless of how much I wish I could. I printed it and I sealed it, planning to never send it, but after weeks of holding onto it and shedding countless tears, I posted it and I think I have finally found closure. For the first time in years, I finally feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I have a sense of calmness. It also might have helped that the sun came out. 

I've since had two people who I truly thought of as the closest of friendship unexpectedly ghost me completely and whilst it doesn't make me happy to not be able to have a response back to any of my messages once again, I realise that the reason is not through a lack of effort from myself. I have to remind myself that there is only so much energy I can continue to give, that there is only so much love I can share. There are a lot of times I've gone out of my way to make someone a priority, when I've only been a option - second, third, fourth choice - in return, and recognising that whilst painful, feels like peace. I'm not sure for how much longer this will last, but I hope it's a change for the better and continues.