The Break Up and Heartache

If you watch the vlogs, you'll already know that I haven't been in a good place for the last few weeks. I wanted to write a post to explain a little earlier, but to be quite honest I just couldn't. It was too hard and I felt if I wrote sooner, I would be writing from a place of anger and not love, which I would regret. Of course, I am still angry and hurt and upset, but I’m coming to terms with it. 

We broke up. 

It's now been over 4 weeks and honestly, it's been some of the hardest weeks of my life. Breaking up is something that I never wanted to happen, but it got to a point in the relationship where I knew it had to. Three and a half years together is a long time; the relationship hadn't been in a good place for a while, and I had tried to make things better, sadly with no avail. He was doing things to try and make me happier, but it made me angrier, whilst I wanted things to change and they weren't, so I was pushing him away. 
At the start of the relationship, he made me the happiest girl in the world. He spoilt me and doted on me. He made me a priority and I felt like we were the centre of each other's worlds. But there was also a lot of red flags, and looking back, I should have recognised these and not ignored them, because I'd fallen in love hard, quickly and deeply. We had a very strange start to the relationship, whereby I told my entire family before we were even officially dating each other, he wouldn't tell anyone - family and mutual friends - for months. Our friends found out after a few months, and he told his parents 6 months after we officially started the relationship, but 10 months after we were speaking. It was awful because he would invite me over, but I wasn't allowed into the house and at the time, it really hurt that he didn't want anyone to know. 

We didn't have the easiest first year because before it was over, Covid-19 hit and we were apart for over 3 months. Before that, I'd also isolated for almost 2 weeks as I had query symptoms prior to it coming out. We messaged each other a lot, but where I would try to do online dates and call each other, he seemed to never want to try to make the effort. He seemed fine with just messaging mundane things, and not having any deeper questions. 

When I came back to university, we spent a lot of time together and it was amazing. I moved out of student accommodation and into a share house I wasn't happy with, so I spent a few weeks back and forth at his house, and then when I moved into my house rental, he pretty much moved in and it was so lovely. The only downside was that he was still working from home and because the office and my bedroom are right next door to each other, I struggled to sleep during the day before and between night shifts. At one point, I asked him to go back to his parents as I had 6 nights shifts in 7 days so really needed to sleep during the day. Sadly, he never came back after this. 

Last year I was ready for marriage, I was so ready...I would have eloped if he'd asked. But sadly, he didn't and when we had the conversations, it wasn't the fact that he didn't propose, it was the fact that he didn't know if he would ever propose and he couldn't give any sort of timeline that I found the hardest. I really struggled with that, both because I had a timeline in my mind and also because I'm a planner. I knew I wanted to get married, travel, settle down and start a family. He couldn't say anything he wanted. To some that may be fine, but for me that made me feel like he didn't see a future together and he never made an effort to correct that perspective. 

The last few months have been so hard. I didn't want to break up because I loved him, but I didn't think I was in love with him anymore. Despite that, I kept hoping and waiting for things to get better. We had so many things planned and I didn't want to ruin them. I tried to improve the relationship by having date night activities and working on the relationship. At the start of the year, we even had a week long break, but when I tried to talk about things, he would always change the conversation. In the end, I felt like I didn't have a choice. 

I'd discussed breaking up with a couple of family members and a friend, but when I did finally get the courage to break up, it wasn't what I expected. We had the first real and meaningful conversation of the year probably and I felt more connected to him than ever. I say we talked about things, but it was mainly me talking about things I wanted and needed from a relationship and I thought he listened. It hurt. It hurt so much and seeing him upset, hurt even more. I love him so much and the fact that I thought I was no longer in love with him was the most incorrect thought I had ever had. I love him more than ever, but I needed change and I just wanted him to fight for me. Of course, he didn't. He just left. 

I sobbed every day for over 2 weeks. I didn't watch any television, ate crap and would lie in bed and cry. I worked every day during that time, in an attempt to try and distract myself, and even then, I would have to go into a corner or a private room multiple times a day to shed a few tears before having to force myself to get on with life. It was really hard and I struggled. 

I expected him over one night to collect some belongings, and he never showed. He ended up messaging at almost 11pm, when I was up the next morning at 6am for a shift. I was furious because I'd got ready for the day and made us tea and waited for hours and he never came. He literally moved on with his life without a care in the world. I later learnt he went out to the pub with some mutual friends, not once, but twice and spent all day at their house instead of coming over to talk. 

Ultimately, we wanted different things in life and sadly, there was and is nothing I can do to change his perspective on that. I felt like we weren't even in a relationship for the last few months of our relationship. We have had no physical intimacy for months, and in fact, barely even saw each other for the last few weeks. Whereas I would plan my schedule around him, and request days off when he had days off, and ask for him to stay over all the time, he would do the opposite. He came up with every excuse to not come over, whether that be him working the next day, archery, me working the next day or something random. I could count the times we stayed together on one hand in the last 3 months. To top it off, whilst I would plan to spend our limited days off together, together...he would forget my days off, or make plans without discussing them, or even book his days off so we could "spend time together" on the days I were working. It was very frustrating. 

It still hurts. I still cry. I'm still upset.

Right now, I'm trying to move on and I'm trying to look to the future. I know for a fact I can't do this again. I can't see myself ever being with anyone else. I'm focussing on a house move I now don't really want to do, starting my Masters in September and staying hopeful about the future, dreaming about the children I will one day be raising.