Honesty, Heartbreak and Hiatus

I think this will forever be the hardest and realest post I have ever written, but in a way, I hope for my own mental health that it helps heal me, even just a little. 

You may have noticed that over the past few months I haven’t quite been myself. I’ve tried so very hard to put on a smile in front of others, to maintain a good sense of normality in my life, but the truth is, I feel anything but happy and my life if far from what is usual. I feel so alone. I wake up and cry; I go to work and cry; I come home from work and cry; I go to bed and cry. And the cycle continues. 

The last two and a half months have truly been the hardest time of my life. I never thought I would ever say that again after my parents divorce, ripping my dream idillic family apart, or I failed Medicine at university, after spending my entire life working towards being a doctor. For those moments, I just felt numb. Today, I feel complete sorrow. I feel like a huge part of me has split away and I don’t know how I will ever get it back. 

I’m truly feel at breaking point. I’ve never known pain like this and I feel so alone all the time. I have such amazing friends and family. They have all been so kind and caring and reaching out, but I have no energy to respond to them and half the time, I can’t even bring myself to even acknowledge them sometimes. I know I’m pushing them away and I may loose them, but I have no control. I feel like no one can help me right now and I’m struggling. 

I haven’t wanted to vlog or write, because almost every time I do, I begin to sob. I already have to act okay at work, and the thought of doing it in private too is frankly horrifying. Between the stress of moving house, the renovations and improvement projects, the countless meetings and work itself, I’ve felt no joy in the milestones I’d always dreamed of reaching. I thought buying my first house would be the happiest day of my life, but instead it was filled with darkness. 

The love of my life and I broke up at the end of June. It was completely my call and I instigated it entirely. I was expecting him to fight for us and offer solutions to the issues I felt needed to change, but instead he just left. I fought so hard for the relationship for months. I begged for more and for change. 

I thought I was no longer in love with him, but the moment he walked out that door, my heart shattered. Pieces scattered everywhere and I haven’t been able to put them back together. At this point, I don’t think I ever will. I’ve lost apart of myself that I will never get back. I was so wrong though. My life and his were intwined so deeply for me. Everything was based on him and us. Every decision I’d made for the last 3 years was based on our future together. He was such a massive part of my life and I didn’t realise how empty it would feel to no longer have that. Now he is no longer apart of that future, I’m not sure what my future is. 

We tried to stay friends, but I think that made it worse. I would spend hours writing messages to him and then delete them. I would scroll through the years of texts between us. I would stalk social media pages. 

We kept in touch with small conversations. He came to help me settle a little into the house. But, he encouraged me to move on and to date, like he was already. He wanted me on dating sites so I did. 

Ultimately, last week I decided to be brave after having the most intense dream, showing me exactly how things could be. It felt as real as life itself, and I was the happiest I’d been in months. I woke up to tears of joy, which quickly turned to tears of sorrow. I asked him for one more night together, as either closure for myself because there was no spark there, or to rekindle the romance for him and be back where we belong. He said no.

After sobbing for over an hour, I did the only thing I thought I could. I wrote him a final farewell message and blocked him on all social media. I blocked him as much out of my life as I possibly could. It was too tempting to stay in touch and whilst he seemed content to being friends, it was crushing the remaining tiny pieces of my heart into dust. 

I messaged the handful of people I’d tried to tempt myself with on Bumble, Hinge and Tinder, apologising for leading them on and told them the truth, then deleted the apps. Whilst, I’d been encouraged to go on the dating apps to move on, the distraction wasn’t fixing anything and I was over faking. I also decided that this depression - because truthfully, that’s the reality - needed professional assistance. I made an emergency appointment with my general practitioner and I’m hoping that things will become easier soon. 

That’s where I am right now. That’s my life. 

I don’t know what’s best for me right now, but I don’t feel like being fake and so I’m going to take some time to focus on myself and getting me back together. Thank you for all the support. I will be back…I just don’t know when.