6 Month Mental Health Check In

It’s been a while since I wrote about my mental health and gave an update. In reality, the majority of my previous posts are from the start of the year, so this is almost a 6 month update now. 

I’m still on sertraline 50mg, every day, but I no longer really feel like they’re helping. They don’t seem to be doing anything but then again, maybe I would be so much worse if I wasn’t on them. 

My free counselling sessions through the university have sadly ended and I’ve yet to hear back from the self-referral so I assume I’m still on the waiting list through the GP and for cognitive behavioural therapy. By the time I get the referral approved, my sister will be a qualified practitioner by the looks of it so maybe I just get her. Never but it’s an option. 

In all honesty, after the first 4 sessions of counselling, I felt like I was repeating myself and she kept asking questions I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know the answers. I felt like talking about him constantly kept me thinking about him more. 

I don’t self-harm anymore and I don’t think constantly about ending my life. Over the last couple of months, I had one awful awful day where I hoped I would die in a car crash, but otherwise it’s just been sadness and loneliness. I do find myself thinking "how much longer can I fight to be alive" often, but normally fleetingly. 
At the start of April I thought I was doing better. I was making plans and I finally felt like I accepted the reality, but as May went on, it all got so much harder again. Seeing people and friends happy in their relationships - new and old - and starting marriages or parenthood made everything hit home further. It didn’t help that there were two big milestones fast approaching. 

Not only is it almost 11 months since I made the biggest mistake of my life, but also something very personal. I had a miscarriage back in 2021 and if the pregnancy had continued, my baby should have been turning one year old. I just can’t help but think about how different life would be, and everything points to the better. 

Just the thought of becoming a mother makes me incredibly emotional. As I’ve mentioned multiple times throughout my blogging journey, it’s always been my biggest dream. I’ve always said I will do it alone, but obviously that was never the plan and I know being a single parent will be incredibly hard. It’s not something I would ever hope for. I just don’t want to be alone and feel so lonely all the time.  

Here’s hoping - as always - my next update will be happier.