Pie Chart of Blame?

In one of my latter sessions, my counsellor encouraged me to write down my thoughts about why I initially broke up with my ex-boyfriend. She called it the pie chart of blame. It was a way to help me remember and recognise the reasons for the break up and whilst I know it was suppose to help, for me it did the opposite because all it did was cause me to blame myself even more. 

Looking back on the relationship, I could only focus on the positives and it wasn’t until I really took myself back to that time that I could even see anything was wrong. It still doesn’t make it easier, and whilst I would want some changes, I know I would compromise on a lot more and give him want he wanted more of the time . 

I guess my mindset is something that I’m struggling to overcome and I don’t know how to move past it. In my head, I can’t move on because I don’t know the relationship didn’t work. Neither of us ever gave it our all and put in the energy and effort. I just want a second chance to see if we can make it as a couple, but that’s not an option to him, which is obviously therefore impossible. In reality, I never wanted to break up in the first place, I just wanted him to fight for me and I was at my last resort by putting it to a test. I never expected for him to just stop caring. 

I can’t even imagine ever moving on and being in a relationship that isn’t with my first love ever again, but I am trying really hard to move on and reflect on what I struggled with in the relationship, in the hope of making the next work better. 

One thing that caused a lot of confrontation was having to constantly be apart. At the time I lived in a private 2-bed terrace rental and he lived with his parents. I wanted him desperately to move in with me, but for reason after reason, he found every excuse not to. I found it so hard to be away from each other, but even harder to constantly have to say goodbye. 

Perhaps the biggest hurdle for me was that I felt the relationship was stagnant. I’d always made it very clear I wanted a serious relationship, marriage and children. I was so ready for marriage after less than a year together. I knew he was the one and I thought he felt the same. Yet, every time we talked about the future, there was never indication of when the next step would be. I felt like I was constantly waiting for things to happen, and they never did. 

Whilst I was never asked to make sacrifices, I did willingly because I was in love and I saw a future together. Looking back, I feel like he never did and that’s painful. I stayed in Nottingham for him. I was desperate to move home, go back to Wakefield. I begged for him to move and he said he couldn’t. I compromised with a move to Chesterfield and again that was too far. He never asked me to and I never held it against him, but he never recognised that I gave up on my own family to stay with the family we would create together because where he was, I was home. 

I moved into a rental with a garden, a garage and a second bedroom…for him because he said if I did, he would move in, but wouldn’t if it was a flat. After moving in, he never once seriously offered to pay or support the property in anyway. He would make comments about how there’s not enough room for his stuff, but that’s because he refused to rent together and so I filled it. He would make comments about how it’s not big enough and so much smaller than friends properties, and that’s because I paid for it alone, unlike others who had two incomes to support them. 

I know I wasn’t perfect and I never claimed to be. When people ask what happened, I blame myself completely. I take full responsibility for the pain I’ve caused and the heartbreak I’ve brought upon myself. 

I know he felt like I asked him to change, but what hurts the most is that a lot of the big disagreements we had, he’s now done willingly, without a debate. I feared his motorbike rides so much, and yet since the breakup he’s barely gone. I desperately wanted to live in Clifton, as it was half way between both our work and he wanted Long Eaton or closer to his mother, only for him to end up purchasing a property just a month after our breakup, in Clifton. A place we were suppose to be together. He hated panelling and I loved it. Now he’s done it in multiple rooms of his own home. 

I wanted him to prioritise me and us. I wanted him to commit to spending time together and enjoying days off together, as shift work makes it difficult to have time off at the same time. 

My life has been on hold since I met him. I wanted to do life with him, and it’s become clear that’s not want he wants, if he ever wanted it. Honestly, I find myself questioning it a lot. I don’t know if he ever actually loved me or if he just said the words. Everything that’s happened the last few months have definitely made it seem like the latter. 

I love him so much it hurts and every time I think of him, I’m truly heartbroken in every sense of the word. Everything reminds me of him and makes me miss him all over again. I lie in bed reminiscing on all the times we had together. I think about places we’ve been and memories we’ve shared. 

Living in Nottingham is probably making it so much harder too, because all my memories here are with and of him. I had and in a way still have, some really good friends. However, they were our friends together and now I really struggle to see them without feeling like there is a part missing. I guess, I feel like there’s a part of me missing constantly. There’s also a part of me that feels guilty because they knew him first and so I don’t deserve to see them anymore. Likewise, I loved archery and I would really like to get back into it, but it was our thing and it’s filled with memories of him. Archery in every sense of the word is associated with him. I have taken the plunge and bought a summer membership and I’m just hoping I have enough strength to follow through. 

There’s so many things that I’m constantly reminded of that I didn’t like or didn’t enjoy, but they’re so petty looking back. I can only see things we could work on and improve on together. I can only see how much being together outweighs all the minor negatives. I can imagine how we can navigate through everything else as long as we’re together.