Mental Health Update and Depression

Deep breath. Where to start. 

I think it's safe to say, since breaking up with the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with June last year, I've struggled. I finally thought I'd turned a corner in September/October when I felt I could move on and started getting back into the dating world, not that I was ever really in that world before. Whether it was that I wasn't really ready in the first place, or simply that I started to fall for someone else which didn't work out which triggered everything all over again I'm not sure. 

I really tried to hide it and distract myself from the sadness I was feeling. I went out of my way to help him and support him, doing what I only wish someone would do for him. But there's only so much of yourself you can give, before it starts to eat away at yourself and becomes a weight too difficult to bare. It also doesn't help when the people you think or thought would love and support you, cancel plans constantly, make rearrangements, put you at the bottom of the list and make the most hurtful comments. I've given up telling people in my life the truth because it just ends up breaking me more and more. It's funny when people turn out to be so different to who you thought they would be. 

Whilst my mental health is usually fine when I'm out and busy, the second I'm alone it hits me hard and I lie crying and feeling so down. It got to the point where I knew I couldn't keep going anymore so I made an appointment with my GP once again. Usually I would start to feel better the day of and cancel it, but everything always hits on an evening and so I really wanted to follow through this time. I went to the appointment thinking I would be fine and the doctor would say it'll all be fine, but I unexpectedly started crying and she officially diagnosed me with depression, although I had already self-diagnosed myself previously. 

From the conversations, she had really wanted me to start anti-depressants but I was quite keen to have counselling first. I was told this could be up to 4 months so if I felt I needed treatment in the interim that option was also available. In the end, things didn't get better so I made another appointment and asked to be started. 

At the same time, I also applied from counselling through multiple avenues which I feel very lucky I can access. For the majority, you don't need a referral from the GP but it's good to have their support and direction. I self-referred to the routine talking therapies, but as mentioned, this had a waiting list. The GP also suggested accessing NHS Staff member counselling which I may do, likely going through the professional midwifery advocates at work, but the quickest way I found to get an appointment was through my university. I decided to take full advantage of my student status and whilst it's only a 6 week course of 30 minute sessions, I think it'll be a good start and I'll share more on my experience when I'm ready. 

Until then, I'm really trying. 

I want to make you a promise: what you are going through right now is painful, but it’s temporary. I know it seems hopeless, you feel isolated and alone like no one understands or no one would care if you’re gone. You are so wrong. It's okay not to be okay. Depression isn't weakness, but a sign you have been strong for too long.