Love or Lust, Current Relationship Update

Going from a three and a half year relationship to dating within a few months, was probably one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I threw myself in full force in an attempt to move on at my ex's request and looking back, I wish I didn't. I wish I'd let myself heal from the grief, instead of forcing myself to move on. 

I really felt with B that I was starting to move on and fall for someone else. I was vulnerable and shared myself in every sense of the word. He seemed to be everything I wanted, but then we had sex. I probably rushed into it to please him because I wanted him to be happy, but afterwards, everything changed. 

I've always said, to me sex is love. I know for a lot of people over the years, that perspective has changed dramatically. It is no longer just for the confinement of marriage and most people have many sexual partners over the course of their lifetime. I've nothing against people who have sex adventurously or those who wait for marriage. Personally, I had never planned on doing either; I was simply waiting for love. I didn't ever want to regret my first time especially, hence why I was 23 before I lost my virginity. 

To me sex isn't just the process of intercourse; it's about the emotional ties to each other, yourself with the person you are in love with. It is about being confident enough to do the most intimate act with someone. I wanted that someone to be a person that I cared about and someone who cared about me in return. I didn’t want to be nervous, scared or afraid of judgement. 

After he left, he never came back and to this date, I've never seen him again. We talked for a little while afterwards and he said that I read too much into the relationship and he never thought about me in a serious way at all. He said a lot of comments that hurt me, and then a lot of comments that complimented me. It was a difficult time and I was very confused. I felt that he was hurting me as a way to push me away, because he wanted to protect me from how him saw myself. That's not how I saw him at all, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't change that perspective. There were a lot of other things that happened as well, but a lot of it is not mine to share, and in the end, we haven't spoken for our longest break in time now. The sad thing is, he will always be my what if. I think we would have been really good together because in the short time we did know each other, we were each other’s biggest support and fan club. Even without the chemistry, he very quickly became one of my closest friends. 

Regardless, the end of that situationship, put everything else into perspective. It once again left a big void in my world, in my heart, and all the emotions towards Luke resurfaced. I wanted to move on from him, so we could be friends, as he was my best friend. But in reconnecting as friends, I forgot why we ever broke and became obsessed with fighting for a second chance, which only caused more heartbreak. The distance I discussed didn't stay distant for long, but it probably should have. 

He tried to be there for me when I was at my worst, but he couldn't be there in the way I wanted him to be. I wanted him to hold me, and cuddle me, and kiss me. But he told me I was unattractive and he no longer had those feelings for me at all. In fact, it was rather "not right now" comment and that feeling which felt like I was in a place of limbo, without being able to move on. After a couple months of going back and forth, we finally came to the decision that the relationship that we had wasn't healthy for either of us. I couldn't heal, and I was hurting him every time I was upset which of course I never wanted. He made the decision that we needed to say goodbye for good. 

I asked for one final goodbye and the night was planned. He came over to help with some final DIY bits at the house, before we had a takeaway. We then watching some television on the sofa; I didn't watch much television, instead I just stared at his face and him, taking in every detail that I possibly could. I tried not to shed any tears in front of him as I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already had. I tried to hide them as best as I could. 

Finally, it was time to say goodbye forever. We had the biggest hug and as much as I wanted to reach out and kiss him passionately, to beg for him to have me back, I knew he wouldn't want that. I said goodbye, closed the door and fell to the floor. After a few minutes, I had to see him one last time, so I opened the gate, crying as he loaded his things and watched him drive away without a second look. 

I thought that would be the end and then he would block me, but he didn't initially. I told myself not to message him, but then I found it therapeutic pressing send, thinking he wouldn't get it, until he did. It was at that point I had to end it once and for all. For me to have any hope of moving on, I had to delete any communication opportunity I had.