The End of a Dream (Medicine)

So I recently shared some exciting news on here, that I got into the University of Nottingham to study Midwifery! I am so looking forward to this new chapter in my life and while it wasn’t in any way easy getting here, I’m really hoping for smooth sailing during this new course.

I’ll start at the very beginning. Back in May of this year, I was revising for my Medicine exams and I was struggling. I kept at it but I wasn’t enjoying it and I found it extremely tough and very overwhelming at times. I never seemed to get it and once something finally stuck, I would forget everything else. Once the first exam has finished, I knew I would be resitting. It went terribly…in fact, I vlogged my whole exam week so click here if you would like to see the rollercoaster of emotions I struggled to share over the course of that week. Despite them getting better throughout the week, in my heart and my head, I knew I’d failed. In fact, I even told people I wasn’t stressing about them because I was seeing it as a week of mock exams. A trial run.

When the results came in, it was safe to say, I wasn’t surprised. But I was ready and raring to go. I hadn’t yet taken down my revision posters covering my university bedroom wall nor had I stopped revising. I had been doing little bits the entire time, partly because I actually wanted to grasp the concepts as I found it interesting but also in preparation for the resits I knew were coming.

In the end, it wasn’t enough. I tried so hard and I really do think I put in all the effort I possibly could at the time. In order to stay sane and actually be true to myself, I had to give myself a few breaks but all in all, I tried. I tried really hard and it still wasn’t enough. That is incredibly hard to admit but in reality it is the truth. I wasn’t enough.

I actually thought the resits went fairly well considering, so I hadn’t thought much about a future outside of Medicine and becoming a doctor – my dream job! So when I got the results I was surprised, but more so at my response rather than the words: Fail.

I didn’t cry. In fact I still haven’t. Yes, I get emotional talking about it in person, or even in writing but I don’t cry over the fact that my childhood (and early adulthood) dream will never be a reality. It will forever be a dream in world of what ifs.

Everything goes so quickly sometimes. In the email was also a time for an exit interview appointment…that afternoon. I knew it would be, not only because we’d been told but also because I’d emailed a while back asking so that I could book train tickets at a reasonable price.

I was a little emotional during that time and I do think it’s quite hard to discuss the end of your UCL Medical School career and your future pathway all in the space of a few minutes after finding out. In fact, in all honesty, I was completely all over the place. I was a mess. I didn’t have the answers they wanted nor the ones I needed to hear myself. Admittedly, they were very considerate but it was obviously a sensitive period and it was all kind of a blur.

A short train back home with my suitcases back for the summer and I was caught in a whirlwind of apologies and condolences. Everyone seemed to pity me and I can completely understand that they were all saying it from the bottom of their hearts. But I just felt as though I’d let everyone down and I didn’t need their pity. In a way I still do but I feel refreshed.

Just a few days later I realised why I hadn’t cried.

I hadn’t cried because my heart hadn’t been in it for a long time. Unfortunately, as much as I hate to admit it, Medicine at UCL was a struggle for me. I never once thought I would fail an exam, let alone a year! With straight A*s at GCSEs and A*A*AAA with a Distinction at A Levels, I thought the hard part was over. I thought I was in and I would finally have my dream come true.

But that wasn’t the case, obviously.

I used to love studying. I used to love working. I used to love extra work.

Medicine made me hate everything to do with the idea of studying. By the time exams came about, I hated the fact things challenged me. I hated that I wasn’t the cleverest. I hated that I didn’t enjoy it. I hated that Medicine made me hate something I’d always loved…

For three years I’ve told myself: “Just three years. Just three years and then you’ll be doing something you love.”. But I’ve realised that attitude was all wrong. Sure, I absolutely loved living in London. I loved the freedom it gave me and the atmosphere it provided, but I’ve quickly realised life is too short for doing something you’re not passionate about.

I’m happy right now and I’m excited for the future! That’s what matters at the forefront of everything. So as of now, the Medicine chapter of my life is closed. I won't say I won't talk about it ever again, but I think I've share all I can on the topic right now.

Goodbye Medicine.

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