Counselling and Discharged, Life Before, During and After Him

It's official! I have been discharged from all mental health services, after a last short course of one-to-one counselling with Talking Therapies. I can't say I don't have bad days because I absolutely do. In fact, at the time of writing this, yesterday (World Mental Health Day) was the lowest I've been in months. But, despite all that, overall I have made huge progress over the last  months and I am in a completely different place mentally and emotionally. 

Whilst the grief continues, healing takes time, especially with a lack of closure. I feel like I've nicely summarised my journey now and it's a relief to have the approval from start to finish from an external body. I was scared, raw, alone and abandoned. I grieved for not only what was, but what the future held. It’s okay not to be okay, but I ended up fighting for myself. My adult self, looked after my inner vulnerable child. 

I still can't believe that I've gone through all this when I was the one who broke up with him initially. I can't process how I was in that time but talking it through repeatedly has helped. I was completely and utterly in love with the man I thought he was. Whilst I was fully invested in our future together from the moment we first spoke, he made promises he didn't keep and left the relationship unannounced and uncommunicated. For me, it really was love at first conversation, but over time, I felt him withdraw, with a lack of commitment and I finally had the so-called strength to call it out. I was in a stagnant relationship and had no choice but to do something about it. I thought it was a decision that would make it or break it, but I never thought it would end. I was cheated out of my time and relationship. On top of that, I had a stressful year further increased with buying my first house, DIY renovations and the stress of workmen and tradesmen. 

One thing that felt like an incredible relief to hear was that based on my questionnaire scores, I am no longer classed as depressed and anxious but healthy levels which are based on a normal population. My PMQ-9 is now a 4 and my GAD-7 remains a 3. 

I absolutely loved my therapist for this last course of counselling through Talking Therapies. She was so sweet, kind and caring. I wish I had had her for the start of my mental health recovered because she really was a breath of fresh air and what she said really clicked. 

She promoted this idea that there was a Hannah before, a Hannah during and a Hannah after. With that journey, it helped to recognise that the experience has changed me, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I've used blocks to prevent the memories and trauma resurfacing and whilst I felt this was an unhealthy strategy, she recognised it as a coping mechanism when used effectively, because I find that the memories of the good times we shared are very clearly wiped out by the overbearing pain that followed.