Future Relationships and Life Plans

As a young girl, I had a clear life plan in place. I would go to university, graduate from Medicine as a doctor, qualify as a specialist (likely an obstetrician or paediatrician), find the love of my life, get married and have children. Well, life has a funny way of putting up the middle finger and throwing curve ball after curve ball. I thought failing medicine would be my low point in life and things would get back on track. At the back of my mind, I told myself, perhaps I will still have my dream of being a doctor, just a different way around.

Clearly, that hasn’t been the case and I’m now at a point in my life where the future I see before my eyes is blurry and foggy. I no longer have a vision of what my future will look like.

Whilst I can safely say I’m in a good place right now, I struggle to see a future with anyone. My plan at the moment is to finish my masters postgraduate degree and to have a sperm donor baby for my 30th birthday. With hopefully a second baby a few years down the line.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother. It’s always been my biggest dream, despite my passion and motivation for education and a career. My biggest has been not been able to have children, having fertility issues of some sort for example. Of course, I would love to share the joys of parenthood with a significant other, share the joys and the burdens together, I also recognise that I don’t need a man to be able to achieve that dream. I feel I am perfectly capable of raising happy and healthy children as a single mother, and I have a supportive family who can be there if needed.

When I look into the future, I can’t picture myself ever being with another man. I can’t imagine ever allowing myself to be that vulnerable with someone ever again, not after all the pain and hurt that I went through.

I fought like hell to make my past relationship work and I gave it everything I had at the time. I still find it difficult to look back on that time in my life with anything other than sorrow, but I’m working on that in counselling still. Whilst I hope one day I’ll be ready to open my heart up again, I no longer believe in true love, love at first sight or that love conquers all. With sadness, I can’t imagine myself ever having the big white wedding of my childhood imagination.

Who knows, where the future will take me. As long as I have children in my life, I feel like I’ll be happy and satisfied. They’ll bring me all I’ll ever need to survive.