Relationship Regrets and Wishful Apologies

People say you shouldn’t regret things in life and you shouldn’t wish you could do things differently, but I know I would change a lot of things in life if I could.

The last few months with my ex-partner I was cruel. I was truly awful. I would pick fights over everything and bicker about nothing. He would say “I love you” and I would say “I like you”. I would tell him I was breaking up with him soon so many times. I know, I was the worst but deep down I just didn’t want to break up with him. I wanted things to change for the better, but they never did.

After we broke up, we were no longer intimate, but after a month, we were actually friends. I had my emotional breakdowns as I felt my house was falling apart, but he was there for me. He came over and helped when I needed him to. He ripped out a fireplace, he changed all my lights, he hung my blinds and curtains. He even came to my rescue when I last minute needed to finish my panelling in the study feature wall. Even now, when I had no one else to go to, when I’d reached out to everyone I possibly could, he kindly sent me a detailed diagram with instructions to help me. I couldn’t be more grateful, but also more heartbroken.

I no longer have contact with him, other than via email. I don't have his number or any of his social media accounts. I don't know what is happening with his life in the slightest, even though I would love to know that he is good and happy. I know he deserves an apology, I truly do, because I treated him terribly for so long... but I also know that so do I.

How can someone go from being your everything to meaning absolutely nothing? The truth is, they can’t and that what hurts the most, because it means he lied to me for so long. I was never his whole world, but he was mine. I would have done anything for him. The worst part is, I still would. If he called me, tomorrow, asking for help, I would be there in a heartbeat.

When I was at my lowest, when I was terrified of doing something incredibly stupid, when I was holding a knife to my neck…he walked away. I don’t understand how he could do that. Even when an almost stranger called to me for help, I stopped everything. I sacrificed my own life to be his punching bag. I dropped plans to be there when he needed me. I changed shifts at work to make sure he wouldn’t be alone. The person who I thought was going to spend my life with me, who was my everything, couldn't even sacrifice a few hours of sleep or "be late for work" or god forbid, miss his hobby. 

Every time I think back on this year, that's the hardest thing for me to understand and the hardest part to get over. I want the forgiveness that I was never able to ask for. I want the answers that I will never be able to have. I want the apology that I will never be able to hear.